ANALYSED!!

Well people say “love makes the world go around”…..i for one don’t care what makes the world go around as long as it does goes around and as long as I don’t get my ass whooped in the process…..

This post is dedicated exlusively to my school friends……ive known them since 4th standard and we know each other for a long time…they don’t read my blog at all and I thot if I embarrass them maybe they will be compelled to do so...they should also feel proud that I have kindly given them some amount of webspace in my blog…...its not a secret that im single and that seems to concern them a lot…..its one of the most common subject of jokes in the group….its something so common….u fail in sumthing and ppl who have won around u give u advice …..but then im sure when I get things right ill be lecturing other losers….its a cycle bro…..u may criticize it but knowingly or unknowingly u are a part of it….but the fact remains that im not as desperate as ppl think I am….girls wont elude me forever…im not gonna die anytime soon and so I have plenty of glorydays left for chicks....i don’t go and look for trouble….sumtime it will happen and ill gladly bear the burden on my back…

As the world continues to analyse me ( I don’t have any problems with it …..really…I think its a proof of my popularity)….i try to analyse the world…..so as my friends ponder over what type of a girl (ya isha….girl….not guy) ill end up with…..i present to u what according to me is the ideal match for each one of them…..

1. PARINITA- she has a fragile health and loves to faint here and there…..falls ill every week…..so a doctor will be ideal…wont have to waste money…the bedroom can be turned into a deluxe ward with a i.v drip beside the bed and a bedpan below it……but if ur a guy who has just bagged ur M.B.B.S degree and if ur a pathetic loner, don’t rejoice and jump…..u shud have crazy driving skills….a heroin addict wud be perfect….she has this strange fondness for guys who drive like all other cars on the road are non existent….of course if u continue to tread on the same path, ull sooner or later get fuckd but dats okay…..happens with everyone….she might be a logical choice for gold diggers…..if u r one, u might chance ur luck but stop being a pathetic wuss and act like uve got a pair!!!.....


2. ISHA- has to be a southindian anna…she has this thing for southindian guys…a few yrs elder to her wud be ideal...maybe a tambi (not to her of course) who owns a madras café outlet or an idli house at matunga- king’s cirle….or maybe a potbellied southindian filmstar with dark goggles, bushy moustache and mad fighting skills…..will have to know to dance properly…..however difficult it might be with the lungi in order to match her moves…..but while my fellow countrymen from the south prepare themselves and put the large “ three white lines and the red circle in between” wala teeka on their foreheads to meet her,she should change herself a bit….girl ur getting thin and u need to regain the flab to fit in….see sun tv, asianet or jaya tv for an hour and ull understand wat im talking about….then u can run around paddy fields with ur partner singing endlessly…..if u are a Bengali…stay away from her…..


3. HETA- she can go on talking for hours or maybe days…..even if her mouth runs dry she will continue…even if there is an earthquake or a tsunami and ppl are runnin for cover…she will still continue...so sum1 who is deaf wud be perfect…..if ur not….ull one day be frustrated and u will rupture ur own eardrums to discover tranquility again…trust me earplugs wont work....but then again there are many perks…..u can abuse her on her face for hours without getting smacked…...and can still tolerate u if u love ur marlboro puffs and the occasional booze fest

4. AYON – someone who will laugh at anything and everything…..some girl who will cook up stories about ppl and embarrass them….so that he can hunt in pairs and hi-five her on every joke....but most importantly someone who is cool with being laughed at…..saala logo ki bahut udata hai….if u have a self respect of steel, he will break it as if it was as brittle as glass….if ur hot….well its like a cherry on the cake….u see he has given up on hot girls( he…not me…I keep my options open!!) and he says he knows his level……and if ur a hot chick from the north east (or an asian), he will be glad to get his butt spanked by you (not that I wont enjoy it too….so spank me first)…..

5. VARUN- u shud know how to talk on the fone….of course he dosnt do it anymore but there was a time when most of his day used to be spent on talking to girls he knew or he dint know……as long as u have the abitilty of whispering sweet nothings over the phone, ull sail smoothly with this guy…..and if u look good, ull see him jumping around u like buggs bunny….

6. PRIYA-hmmm…...she will kill me if I say anything other than varun…

So that’s about it…as far as I am concerned , im waiting for the paragon beauty one astrologer told ill bag…...i have starved myself and have kept myself thirsty while writing this post to prove how determined I am while blogging…..still I cant explain the pathetically low response from the ppl out there…..still im sure few people wud have found this one a darn good read….

Until my brain starts working again,

ADIOS!!!

the future.....

Sorry for keepin u ppl waitin for so long…….had too much shit on my plate……ive finished my exams and im not too proud of myself…..but its ok……bungling is a part of my life and I manage to see the bright side of it always……ny ways the day our xams got over, me and a bunch of my friends did what is a certified and highly recommended procedure for a self-brainwash…….gulp down a lot of booze……then we did crazy things ( as expected) like peeing in a landscaped garden of a corporate park by the highway, peeing outside the entrance to a hutment, doin pushups in the middle of the street and singing songs that damaged sarang’s self esteem severely…..

Everyone in this crazy group in college ( including me) is destined for greatness…..destined to get famous, get a lot of booty and a lot of moolah…..but there are a few professions they must avoid at all costs…...coz if they do venture in em, im sure they’ll get their ass f**cked to redness……

So heres a list of professions they shud avoid…..

1.TUSHAR --- maths professor
WHY--- takin into account all the trauma this dreaded subject has given him,
I can safely presume that if he becomes one he will screw every single
student in
his class and mentally scar them permanently……just to imbibe some sadistic
pleasure …..in short hell turn into a lunatic…..just like the professor who
has fckd his case in coll now……
INSTEAD TRY….workin in a govt bank with short working hours so that u end
up havin ur normal amount of sleep

2.KAKA--- public spokesperson of a reputed firm or company / couples’ therapist or
marriage counselor……
WHY--- though he will surely end up havin a huge fanbase….. his spontaneous
remarks and the sheer talent of sayin the wrong things at the wrong time to anyone
at any place fearlessly might cost the firm dearly……I mean don’t be surprised if
when his firm is not doin well, u see him releasin a statement sayin “ the company
has been f**ckd hard man…..it now needs time to recover from the trauma”……and if u
have girl problems( not the ‘ur a grl and u have problems’ problems…tho still
applicable)…ull get urlself killd if u go to him for advice.
INSTEAD TRY…..inherit ur dad’s business……bcome the next mallya….

3.SARANG---- he can work at any place provided his office is not at churchgate….
WHY--- ive concluded……from mere observation….. that this guy cannot do well in
that locale…however hard he tries...he might still wanna work there but I strongly
suggest he shud consult an astrologer b4 doin so…..u know…..change his name a
bit….and then try again…..
INSTEAD TRY……working at ANDHERI………hahahahaha!!!!!!!!

4.ABHIRAM--- model in ads
WHY --- he is losin hair at a faster rate than the pace at which Britney, Pamela
and Lindsay change their lovers…….also he is gainin some extra pounds……he
can star in a hair loss treatment commercial though….anyways im a wellwisher
and I hope he succeeds in stopping or atleast slowin down his aging process….
INSTEAD TRY…...can fit into any other profession as long as he stays sober during
working hours

5.ABHAY--- this guy is a god……he probably will fit into any job given to him……so
will have to break the usual format for him …… tho I strongly feel he shud be a
liquor baron ……that will ensure fame, money and chicks and all this by dealin in a
thing he loves so dearly……

6.SAURUBH--- any job with workin hrs startin from 8.30 am….
WHY --- Is incapable of reaching before 11 am……apart from this keep ur distance
from this guy if ur a female colleague and ur younger to him…..he is the next
micheal Jackson….he is not made of plastic though…
INSTEAD TRY……workin at a place with non rigid workin hrs….

7.DHANANJAY--- heavy weight lifter
WHY--- he is incapacitated because he has a broken spine……incapable of even
lifting feather weights……also his muscles have revolted against him….they don’t
wanna grow anymore…..
INSTEAD TRY……anything less strenuous.

8.BATTOO --- a football player…..ya im serious!!!
WHY--- soccer is his life…..an xcellent player himself…..but he is so engulfed in
it that he is unable to see the other joys in life…has neither been drunk, nor
stoned….and no booty either….
INSTEAD TRY….playin with other stuffs…u know!!…find some WAGs…n if u do….spread
the wealth….make ur homies happy….

Hope u all have a rosy future ahead……after all this if one of u still gets fckd in the butt…..i cant help it.

Until next time

ADIOS!!!